JOURNEY TO VALINOR
by Ira the Omnipotent One
Summary: BILBO SETS OUT ON A PERILOUS JOURNEY INTO THE GREAT BEYOND! WHAT GREAT ADVENTURES AWAIT OUR SHORT FURRY-FOOTED HERO ON THE OTHER SIDE?
1. Chapter 1

Chapter 1

Timmy the tard derped happily as he hopped gayly across the sunny meadow of faggotry. Suddenly, a wild Tom Bombadil appeared and said "Hello, I'm Tom Bombadil, and welcome to my forest of faggotry!"

So he then kicked Tom Bombadil square in the nuts, and then took a dump in his mouth as he gasped for breath. Then he whispered in his ear, "There will be buttercups!" He derped loudly in triumph over the faggy bard, then continued on along the yellow brick road.

Then he came upon a ginger bread house, with chocolate wheels, that smelled like dick. When he walked in the house, there were three bowls of boner soup. He tried out the first bowl, but it was too hot. Then he tried the second bowl, but it was too cold. So he tried the third bowl, and it was _just_ right.

The meat slid down his throat like Kentucky-fried chicken. But, unfortunately, a volatile reaction occurred in his bowels, and he shat out the longest shit in history. It was so long, that it put Longcat to shame. Then he climbed his mountain of 'tard feces, into the land of buttercups, where the clouds are made of cotton candy, and the sun is filled with orange juice. He then derped happily again. "There are buttercups!"

And then Timmy was zombie and he was sad...


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2

Herpdy Derpdy sat on a ball. Herpdy Derpdy had a great boner. All the king's horses, and all the king's men, couldn't fit a rubber on Herpdy Derpdy again.

Then, a wild Gandalf the Grey appeared!

Gandalf used a Light spell!

...It was not very effective.

So Herpdy Derpdy slapped him with his great big dick, leaving a bruise and made Gandalf lose his memory. Then he jizzed on him.

What? Gandalf is evolving!

Da-duh-da-duh-da-duh-da-duh Da-duh-da-duh-da-duh-da-duh Da-duh-da-duh-da-duh-da-duh Da-duh-da-duh-da-duh-da-duh Da-duh Da-duh-da-duh-da-duh-da-duh Da-duh-da-duh-da-duh-da-duh Da-duh-da-duh-da-duh-da-duh Da-duh-da-duh-da-duh-da-duh Da-duh Da-duh-da-duh-da-duh-da-duh Da-duh-da-duh-da-duh-da-duh Da-duh-da-duh-da-duh-da-duh Da-duh-da-duh-da-duh-da-duh Da-duh Da-duh-da-duh-da-duh-da-duh Da-duh-da-duh-da-duh-da-duh Da-duh-da-duh-da-duh-da-duh Da-duh-da-duh-da-duh-da-duh Da-duh Da-duh-da-duh-da-duh-da-duh Da-duh-da-duh-da-duh-da-duh Da-duh-da-duh-da-duh-da-duh Da-duh-da-duh-da-duh-da-duh Da-duh--

DEE-DEE-DEE, DE-DE-DE-DE-DE-DE-DE!!!

Gandalf the Grey has evolved into Gandalf the White!


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter 3

Timmy the zombie 'tard derped while moaning for brains as he dragged himself gayly across the gloomy meadow. Then he came across another house decorated with pubes. So he knocked on the door, and it magically opened with a knob in the middle. Then, out of the house came a hobbit with hair on his balls and a muff like Osama bin-Laden's beard. In fact, that muff was so big, it was growing all over his house. That muff was fucking big, I mean, like, yeah man, shave that fuckin' thing!

He wore an english vest and a g-string, constricting his pecker, but leaving his balls to dangle to the floor. Timmy said, "E-Excuse me sir, would you like to buy a p-p-p-p-p-p-potato?"

And the hobbit replied, "Orange ya gonna ask me mah name, lil' lad?"

Timmy turned around, pulled down his pants, and began talking out of his ass. "What is your name, good sir?"

"Well," and he pulled out a microphone from his g-string. "MAH NAME IZ, SHAKE-ZULAH, DA MIC-RULAH, THE OLD-SCHOOLAH, YA WANNA TRIP? I'LL BRING IT TO YA! No, but seriously, my name is Dildo Saggins."

Timmy's mind went derp. Then he reached his hand into his giant muff, pulling out arbitrary objects riddled with pubic hair, including a magic ring, that when he put it on his finger, he turned derp-visible, and he sees Justin Timberlake in his dreams.

"There ya go, lil' lad, that'll pay for a potato!"

But as the potato slid down his throat, he said "Oh man, this is worse than the time that I ate that midget!" Then he started choking on the potato, and nearby Dildo Saggins stroked his hairy balls all the while. So Zombie Timmy quickly devoured the potato, because it was impossible for him to choke to death because he was already dead. So he shat the potato back out of his ass, propelling it at supersonic speeds towards Dildo Saggins, who died a gruesome, shit-covered potato-y death.

"I guess his potato wasn't my po-tah-toe," he said while putting on a pair of sunglasses. In the background, he could hear someone yelling. "YEEAAHHHHH!!!!"

"The Who was that!?" Timmy derped. He looked on the ground and saw Dildo's huge muff crawling away from the hairy hobbit's horrible homosexual house, while humming happily to his herpes. The genital kind. On your genitals. Yeah.

Timmy derped and threw a potato at it, and it turned out to be Dr. Octogonopus. Some metallic tentacle rape thingies sprang out of the Spiderman-Villain-Muff and shot towards the zombified retard. But the zombie derped with all of his undead heart, and turned the tentacles into potatoes. Then the villain tarded out and ran away, but he couldn't get away.

So Timmy threw a pokeball at Dr. Octagonopus, and after a minor struggle, he was caught. And with his new Spiderman villain-turned pokemon, Timmy went on to win the Pokemon League or something. Who gives a shit anyway?

"I DO!" Timmy derped, and flung his potato tentacles at the reader.


End file.
